mack truck

I spent my childhood on beaches, and consequently in the offices of dermatologists. They always resulted in a phone call where the doctor ended her sentence with the word "benign". Yesterday her sentence ended with the word "melanoma". And it was a mack truck, complete with headlights and sirens. And there were words after that one, like "borderline" and "surgery" and "lymph nodes". And I couldn't hear the ones in between because my throat was swelling. And I was concentrating really hard on handling it like my sterile white-cloaked doctor. As if life is all about information and action plans.

But all I could think about was checking my kids out of school so I could hug them.

And then she hung up. And I sat with the dumped word in my lap, quietly. The Uncomfortable Silence Of Waiting. And the painful realizing that lots of the pieces of your life and your story cannot be controlled. And while some days are about fighting, and creating, and doing. Other days are about helplessly waiting. It's the suspended anticipation between a fist and a face. I hate those moments. 

And so I freaked out. I cancelled appointments. I scared the shit out of myself on WebMD. And then my awesome, amazing friends and family filled in the space between facts and hysteria.

And after processing the information, I'm feeling much better. As it stands, it has progressed JUST enough for me to need surgery. And I think they are mostly checking the lymph nodes as a precautionary measure. And while I have all kinds of reasons to be hopeful, I'm still seriously pissed that my first surgery was not for new boobs.  :)

All kidding aside, I've even had time to become a little grateful for this moment that stunned me into realizing how fragile it all is. These lives we work on, and count on, are precarious. Enjoy everything now. And WEAR SUNSCREEN.  :)

Comments

[Rochelle]

Listen up Girlfriend! I am frantically trying to find your damn phone number to call you! I'm at work so call me! I love you and we need to talk about this!

[Debbie Brenner]

What scary news to receive over the phone. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[alisha]

Hi there! Long time reader- just wanted to say I'll be praying for you!

[Lee-Ann]

Very scary for you, for sure!! Good thing you are precautionary and head to the Derma regularily! Thoughts and prayers headed your way!!

[canadacole]

Too scary to tell someone that over the phone! Dr.s should know that you don't hear anything after malignant. Hope your surgery is quick and relatively painless and that that's the end of it.

[stephanie]

Oh Maile...please call me. You know that we were once hit with a Mack Truck of the same sorts (and that is exactly how described it back then too). I can listen any time. Call when you need to.
((<3))

[Jesi]

How scary!! I just wanted you to know that Winston and I have you in our prayers. We love you and look forward to your speedy recovery!

[Peggy]

Maile,
My phone call came when I was pregnant and I only caught the doctors words of "legs growing downward" and "unfavorable cells" and guess what, the spot was on my BOOB! I too was pissed that they would be taking things AWAY from my boob, rather than adding! My prayers are with you and best wishes that your next surgery is on your boobs!

[olivia dutko]

Maile!
You have so many people praying for you (including me)
I agree...hard to take over the phone. Although,
I am sorry you got this news At ALL!
xoxoxo

[Jen]

It really stinks being fair haired and fair skinned! I worry about every little mole. Glad you have such a wonderful support system of friends and family. Take care and keep us posted!

[CarrieF]

Sweet Maile, I got that exact same phone call (the words melanomasurgerylymphnodes running together) a few years ago. Please e-mail or call me 210-710-3028 and I'll help in any way I can. Praying for peace for you.

[Kerry]

Maile,
I've been a blog stalker for almost 2 years, never coming out of the woodworks. This moves me to comment to wish you all the best! Many thoughts and prayers with you across the blog miles!

[Tracy Garcia - Petite Suites]

Hey Hon, Just want you to know I am thinking about you and have you in my prayers. The boys and I pray together every night, you will be TOP on our list!! Big hugs girlie!!

[Mandy Hank]

Hang in there and keep up your positive attitude, it'll help! You are in my thoughts and prayers!! Sending good thoughts and wishes your way :)

[rachel brooke]

Maile, I'm praying for you! I've had the words "border-line" murmured too and had to go get more of my fair english skin removed. The important part is that you are good about being checked and in the hands of dr's who know what they're doing - it's for this reason I have great faith that you will be alright!

[amy sherrell]

maile,
i'm thinking of you and praying for you. i cannot even imagine.
i'm going to love on my girls a little extra tonight after reading this. thanks for that!! :)
hugs,
amy

[Laurie, in Coppell]

I'm sure I'm just one of hundreds of blog-fans who are praying for you, and wishing you the very best. Hopefully you can "feel the love"!

[Amber]

praying that our Mighty God will continue to give you comfort & peace, healing, and wisdom for your doctors. may you find strength in Him.

[Gina]

Prayers are headed your way!

[Misti]

Wow. *hugs* and many thoughts.