mack truck

I spent my childhood on beaches, and consequently in the offices of dermatologists. They always resulted in a phone call where the doctor ended her sentence with the word "benign". Yesterday her sentence ended with the word "melanoma". And it was a mack truck, complete with headlights and sirens. And there were words after that one, like "borderline" and "surgery" and "lymph nodes". And I couldn't hear the ones in between because my throat was swelling. And I was concentrating really hard on handling it like my sterile white-cloaked doctor. As if life is all about information and action plans.

But all I could think about was checking my kids out of school so I could hug them.

And then she hung up. And I sat with the dumped word in my lap, quietly. The Uncomfortable Silence Of Waiting. And the painful realizing that lots of the pieces of your life and your story cannot be controlled. And while some days are about fighting, and creating, and doing. Other days are about helplessly waiting. It's the suspended anticipation between a fist and a face. I hate those moments. 

And so I freaked out. I cancelled appointments. I scared the shit out of myself on WebMD. And then my awesome, amazing friends and family filled in the space between facts and hysteria.

And after processing the information, I'm feeling much better. As it stands, it has progressed JUST enough for me to need surgery. And I think they are mostly checking the lymph nodes as a precautionary measure. And while I have all kinds of reasons to be hopeful, I'm still seriously pissed that my first surgery was not for new boobs.  :)

All kidding aside, I've even had time to become a little grateful for this moment that stunned me into realizing how fragile it all is. These lives we work on, and count on, are precarious. Enjoy everything now. And WEAR SUNSCREEN.  :)

Comments

[jen lemen]

maile,
i am sending all the love and hope and healing i can find your way.
hang in there...

[sweetsalty kate]

Oh Maile. That's scary news. But not all mack trucks knock you down. Some just look like mack trucks but they disintigrate upon contact. Some of them are made of powdered sugar and paper mache and all it does when it hits you is knock down and rebuild your sense of gratitude.

Strong heart. You're so loved and we're gathered here with you.
xo Kate

[Heather]

OMG Maile, I am scared of that very same thing happening. I am so glad that it doesnt sound serious and I will pray that all goes well. Love ya!

[littlepurplecow (Stephanie Roberts)]

Thinking of you, Maile, and sending warm thoughts and prayers.

[Jana Perenchio]

I'll be with you in spirit in agreement and prayer that everything will be alright. I know it was hard but thank you for sharing this with us.

[Misty]

I am simply a blog stalker of yours. I love love your work. And after watching your photoblog for a while I realized I know one of your good friends-Alison and Jack Leonard. I have never commented before-but wanted to tell you that you are in my thoughts at this time. We will keep you in our prayers. Good Luck and keep us all posted.

[Chris]

Just have to echo the other thoughts...you're in my prayers!

[k]

love you sis...thanks for getting my butt in gear. :)

[Ma']

I add my confident "yes" and "amen" to this great outpouring of Love.
It is a marvel to behold.

You are so cherished by so many.

All eyes looking up.

I love you with all my heart,
Mama

[MelodyA.]

Well, you are definitely not in this alone. We'll be thinking of you and your family, Maile.

[Maya Laurent]

Thank you so much for sharing this!!! I'll be praying for you girl! You are such an inspiration and continue to be in your honesty!

[Ginger]

Well, after a few days to think about things, I hope that you are finding comfort in all of these people who "have your back". Just brief interactions with you and keeping up with your blog, we all think you are such an inspiration! If anyone can get past this, it is you!!!! Hang in there!!!!!

[Caroline Telfer]

My surgery IS for boobs, but not new ones. I have to have bits cut out of my boobs, and I have had mammograms and ultrasounds to confirm the need for surgery. My doctor would never ring up and announce something like that over the phone, although I wished he would, because it was a three-hour trip for me to visit the specialist surgeon to be told the news.
Good luck to you, and I hope that the surgery goes well.

[Angelia]

Oh my gosh!! You will be in our prayers and thoughts...I'm so sorry you have to deal with this..it's just a speed bump in life, wanting you to slow down a bit, you'll get over this, I just know it..sending love and good thoughts your way!!!

[Jen Heff]

Uhg.....how did I miss this????

I can't add much, but I LOVE YOU!!! You will get through this!!!! :o)

[Katy]

We all love you, and you'll be fine. :-) Think on the bright side, maybe this surgery will be so easy that you'll be READY for your new boobies! Although, I'm still voting you ask them to go through the lmypnodes and try to go ahead and perk up those bumps for you. I begged during my C-section. But no luck. You are better at convincing though....

See you in a little bit! Just think of it as weight loss surgery. I mean, lympnodes have to be AT LEAST 5 pounds each, right???

Love ya!

[mharper]

come back. we miss you.

[haley]

You are such an amazing photographer and I have been admiring your work for years. After many times checking your blog, I decided today is the day I am gonna leave a note-- so glad a picked today... I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Way to be proactive and getting those check ups. you are very loved and looked up to

Haley

[Nyisha]

Hey Maile. I've been away for a while. Just wanted to say that I am lifting you up before the throne of GOD. May his healing annointing flow and he gift you peace, strength and comfort.

Love, Peace & Blessings from Middle GA

[Giovanna]

Kick it in the ass Maile!