mack truck

I spent my childhood on beaches, and consequently in the offices of dermatologists. They always resulted in a phone call where the doctor ended her sentence with the word "benign". Yesterday her sentence ended with the word "melanoma". And it was a mack truck, complete with headlights and sirens. And there were words after that one, like "borderline" and "surgery" and "lymph nodes". And I couldn't hear the ones in between because my throat was swelling. And I was concentrating really hard on handling it like my sterile white-cloaked doctor. As if life is all about information and action plans.

But all I could think about was checking my kids out of school so I could hug them.

And then she hung up. And I sat with the dumped word in my lap, quietly. The Uncomfortable Silence Of Waiting. And the painful realizing that lots of the pieces of your life and your story cannot be controlled. And while some days are about fighting, and creating, and doing. Other days are about helplessly waiting. It's the suspended anticipation between a fist and a face. I hate those moments. 

And so I freaked out. I cancelled appointments. I scared the shit out of myself on WebMD. And then my awesome, amazing friends and family filled in the space between facts and hysteria.

And after processing the information, I'm feeling much better. As it stands, it has progressed JUST enough for me to need surgery. And I think they are mostly checking the lymph nodes as a precautionary measure. And while I have all kinds of reasons to be hopeful, I'm still seriously pissed that my first surgery was not for new boobs.  :)

All kidding aside, I've even had time to become a little grateful for this moment that stunned me into realizing how fragile it all is. These lives we work on, and count on, are precarious. Enjoy everything now. And WEAR SUNSCREEN.  :)

Comments

[Paige]

Maile, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with scary stuff like this. Hang in there and hang on those great friends and family members.

[Dejah]

hey friend...just wanted to let you know I am praying for you.

[Gayle]

Maile, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[ssh]

Bad, very sad news. Keep your positive attitude and know that we all are praying and sending positive waves your way. Tuesday at 8:00 will only help on so many levels. Let me know if I can help.

[Misha Pisha]

I know how hard it was for you to go out the other night but I am sooo glad you did! Laughing and wine are great therapy. We love you and you are always in our prayers! xx

[tia]

Tuff news over the tele-but not as tuff as Maile...chin up, more sunscreen, big smile, nice cup of whatever you prefer, big deep breathe, good easy listening music and plan the attack...prayers are with you and the family, I'll be checking on ya via DD and holding cheer camp for ya. ATTACK....Tia

[Janet]

You are in our thoughts and prayers...good luck...and keep us updated!

[tasha]

Thinking of you Maile and sending you some more love!!

[Christina]

I am so sorry!!!! Keep your head up, you are in my thoughts. It is nuts how one word can turn your whole world upside down.

[Jen A.]

I am praying for you. And for your doctor. And for your family.

xo.

[Sandee]

I'm thinking of you and sending my positive thoughts and belssings your way--chin up! (your boobs look better that way, anyway. :-)

[wanda]

Maile,I have been praying for you since I heard the news. I wish I could put my arms around you and let you know how much I love you and I know in my heart that everything is going to be alright. Just consider it a privilege that you now have a much deeper relization of how precious life really is. It will only make your life richer!

[patti]

I will be praying for you!
Love,
A fair-skinned, freckled and moled blog reader

[Melissa Jill :)]

OH NO MAILE!!! This is not the news I wanted when I clicked on your blog! How scary friend! My heart aches for you. Please keep us updated--when surgery is, etc. I will start praying now!!!

[Robin]

My stepmother had the same thing a few years ago, and she is happy, healthy and very active.

You are in my daily thoughts and prayer.
Robin

[Robin]

My stepmother had the same thing a few years ago, and she is happy, healthy and very active.

You are in my daily thoughts and prayer.
Robin

[vicki]

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I love ya girl.

xoxox

[Megan]

Hi Maile -

I had this melanoma surgery. They said 'malignant melanoma' and my knees buckled. I love that they call you on the phone with this information.

And Googling? Well, you might as well stab yourself. That just sends you brain into another plane of existence and you cannot focus on anything else but getting that surgery over with.

Luckily, they removed my melanoma (in a giant football shape!!) from my temple successfully.

A word of advice - be prepared for the next 2 or 3 months because your brain will think every ache, muscle spasm, twitch, scratch, spot, etc is some kind of cancer. I was convinced I had breast cancer because my boobs hurt (how could I have it in both boobs?), but it turns out my brain interpreted my PMS standard boob pain into cancer...

Hopefully this won't happen to you! :)

Hang in there kid!

[Leah G]

I've thought about you constantly for the last two days. I am comforted by your humor during what must be a scary time, and in awe of your composure and insight. Thanks so much for sharing with us, and for reminding us to pull our kids closer, oh-and for reminding me to buy sunscreen. Love to you, dear Maile.

[Meg]

How scary! It's comforting to know you're not alone, though. Stay positive and keep hugging your family!