London: The Belated Version

I should never say I'll be back tomorrow. My life is too chaotic, and I'm too prone to distraction. Sorry about that little month-long intermission. I know it's absurd to still be talking about this trip that happened six hundred months ago. But if I don't properly thank Xanthe for her loveliness, it will continue to be an incomplete sentence in my head... a perpetually uncrossed "T". Which is a bit of a travesty after someone you've never met, who lives on the other side of the planet takes an entire day out of her life to acquaint you with her city.  

Would you believe Xanthe's sister (Zoe) owns the most adorable tea shop in London? Y'ALL. It was like someone coming to visit me in Texas, and my sister just happening to own a dude ranch. 

Tea anyone?

It was also quite the monumental way to check off a Life List item: Photograph Grown Sisters. 

Absolute beauty, inside and out.

 These make me miss my sister. There's nothing like that relationship, is there? 

La la la la!!!!

We only had two days in London, so being able to spend one of them with Xanthe and Zoe made the trip feel more personal. It also allowed us to see a part of London we would have never found on our own. If you're ever there, I highly recommend you go have tea and a cupcake at Adorable Bake-A-Boo. Then pick up a copy of Zoe's awesome Cookbook. In fact, for fun I think I'll give one away! Leave a comment before midnight CST on the 14th, and someone will be chosen at random, announced on the 15th. Good luck!

One more thing. I know this is a random note to end on, but I couldn't blog about London without mentioning our favorite meal. We got into a cab one night, asked the driver to take us "somewhere great" and ended up at Ayoush restaurant. People, I'm not exaggerating when I say this might be the best meal we've ever eaten. I was so mad when I was full. If you are ever in the area, please go. And then email me about every detail so I can live vicariously through your experience. 

Paris

I think I was expecting it to be like the Statue of Liberty: standing solitary, declaring official business. She welcomes huddled masses, as long as the huddled masses are willing to get up early, stand in line for hours to ride the ferry, remember to pack sunblock and a picnic and devote an entire day to her. If you want to see Our Iconic Lady, you're going to work for it. 

The Eiffel Tower on the other hand, is your neighbor who shows up unannounced. There you are, just walking along the street, and BAM he pops in with wine and cheese and a baguette. He likes to hang out in the midst of the cars and strollers, couples getting married and people selling snow globes. 

The Eiffel Tower is an extrovert. 

It's also where I met Irene (pronounced E-ren, isn't the sound of that lovely?). She's a wildly talented photographer who I felt like I already knew through Shutter Sisters. But no matter how long you've been reading someone's blog, it's surreal when they step off your computer screen into 3-dimensional life. This feeling is magnified when you happen to be half way around the world, meeting under a world monument.

But the beauty of internet friends, is that because you already know so much about them, there's a kind of immediate comfort between you. I felt this way with Irene. She's so talented yet unassuming, and was amazingly generous with her time. She took the entire day to show us around. And given the fact that we only had 2 and a half days there, we felt lucky and grateful for her. 

One of the highlights was when she took us to this bridge, called the pont des Arts. I'd seen it prior in this video she did of a photo walk in Paris (which you should watch, it's dreamy). But I never knew the significance of what the locks meant. She told us the tradition is for couples to put a lock on together, then throw the key into the Seine river as a symbol of their love. Jason and I are lame and couldn't find a lock. So to make up for it, I think we are maybe going to lock our love into a chain linked fence at the Alamo. And then maybe go on a world tour locking our love into Mt. Rushmore, Yosemite, the Liberty Bell...

Kidding aside, I do think this is pretty sweet. 

Irene also took us to famous Cafe de Flore.

where we happily depleted France's supply of cheese and bread.  

She introduced us to real macaroons, which was really really evil.

And basically, our time in Paris just wouldn't have been the same without her. Also, if you never saw the shots of her rocking out our Paris bag, check out her supermodel self in the Epiphanie Look Book.  

Annnd this is where I should be posting all of the amazing pictures that my professional photographer self took because my professional photographer self was surrounded by so much beauty, she just couldn't put her camera down. 

Except, when presented with experiences of a lifetime, my professional photographer self would rather gaze destructively into my own reflection to ponder my ass. 

She would also like to take non-sensical pictures of the French iconic landmarks like the Louvre. Look, The Louvre! So much history! What an amazing spectacle!

BUT, have you seen the CLOUDS? I mean, I think one is even in the shape of a dinosaur. 

 And the tomatoes. DUDE. Parisienne tomatoes. 

An obligatory shot of a street grocer, complete with poodle cliche. 

Plus a random street shot and a BIKE. With a BOX on the back of it. Try to hold back your excitement.

And come back tomorrow for more random, nonsensical shots from London.  

Weighty

Last year I flew to Paris to photograph Irene modeling our (then new) Paris bag. I also went to London, where I was lucky enough to meet Xanthe. Both are fellow Shutter Sisters. Both women bowled me over by their kindness. It was the trip of a life time and I never blogged about it. Then so many months passed that it felt ridiculous to write about the experience. 

But today after a lazy morning, I decided to edit through the old photos. Up until now, I thought ignoring them was due to a severe case of procrastination. Then I found these pictures of myself which caused me to unexpectedly burst into tears. I remembered everything that was going on inside my head when they were taken. I remembered how tangled up I felt because I was melancholy. And clouds are not supposed to follow you on dream trips to Europe. Which made me feel ungrateful and guilty, and confused. Because IWasInParis, IMustBeSoHappy. But I wasn't. And I couldn't articulate why. Until now with the passing of time, and after processing, I see that I was conflicted by an intense desire to experience everything around me, and an equally crippling instinct to recoil and hide. 

These were taken in the reflection of a window in Paris. When I look at my expression, I see a girl who is bracing herself. Dissecting everything with relentless criticism about how fat she was. And I realized today that the real reason I never blogged about this trip was because the overall thought of it just made me sad. 

I've never talked about my weight here, because it's controversial. I've gained 10 pounds since this was taken. But that's incidental because you might think I'm huge. (I actually had a friend use that term to describe me behind my "huge" back recently). Or maybe I'm your goal weight, and you're disgusted by the fact that I'm whining about it. Either way, this is not a statement about how one "should" or "should not" look. These are my personal thoughts about my personal weight issues.

And traveling has a way of amplifying them. Maybe because I'm meeting new people. Maybe because it's a definitive day on the calendar indicating that I've failed to become skinny again. I don't know why I've gained 40 pounds in 2 years. What I do know is that I've cried in more dressing rooms than I can count. I've watched my love for fashion dwindle into an army of empire-waisted uniforms. I've worn jeans and long sleeves in 90 degree weather. But that's all surface-y bullshit. The tragedy is that I've become a person who lives half-way. I stopped going to girls' nights. I say no to lunch dates. I won't go swimming, and will likely decline an invitation to your party. The slap-in-the-face moment today was when I realized I won't even fully enjoy something as enjoyable as a TRIP TO PARIS. 

With that being said, these pictures were a gift. Because the other thing I saw in my expression is a girl who just wants to be kinder to herself. I mean when did self hatred become some kind of badge of honor? "Oh, I'm so fat." "No I'm fatter." "Well at least you have straight teeth." "Yeah, but I my toes are crooked." How many times have we heard / been a part of this conversation? At the end of the day who CARES?! Seriously. I've never been immersed in a deep conversation with a friend while lamenting that her nose wasn't upturned. These lashings we give ourselves are stupid, pointless, and SO DESTRUCTIVE. Especially because the ONLY thing that EVER makes us feel better is KINDNESS. I think it's time to turn the kindness on ourselves. On my self. 

Phew, that was quite the soap box for a minute. :)

Tomorrow, I will just put up some pretty pictures from the trip. Because it wasn't all angsty, I swear. 

And also in the mean time, check out this crazy insane blog that Xanthe and Irene started: London vs. Paris. Having been fortunate enough to spend time with each of them, it's been so fun watching their lives mirror each other. Especially when they unknowingly photographed two clocks at the same time. 

Eight

All Annie wanted for her birthday was to see her cousins. They're teenagers, so everything they do is endlessly fascinating. It's all Emily wanted too. And her birthday's so close. If they both want the same thing I thought we could combine their parties. But I told them that if we fly them out, they won't be getting a whole bunch of presents. Their response was, "Wedon'tcare! Wejustwanttoseethem! CanweseethemPLEEEASE?" That made my heart so happy. So I'm planning a little party in a couple of weeks when their cousins (and my sister! and now my mom and stepdad!) get here.

In the meantime, we have a tradition around here. 

Bed head + a little cake for later.

Happy birthday sweet girl who has taught me so much in these incredibly fast eight years. 

Mom 2 Summit

I'm not good at conferences because even though I can plan my time, it doesn't come naturally for me. My true nature is to throw calendars to the wind and just show up with my party hat on (literally). It mostly works out. But when it doesn't, my 36 year old self morphs into an 8 year old new kid looking for a seat in the cafeteria. So this year when it was time for the Mom 2 Summit, I tried to plan ahead. And by plan ahead, I mean frantically email my friend Karen the day before and beg her to send me an itinerary of my life. She is amazing like that. And her itinerary made me feel safe, because we all know that you can't be socially awkward when you're busy. 

And turns out I was busy, just not doing much of what I'd planned. Most things turned out better. Some things were worse. Okay just ONE thing was worse. It was the photo booth Epiphanie was supposed to sponsor for the pajama party at the Ritz. How fun right? I've done it many times in the past and thought, what goes wrong with a group of women + wine + pajamas and wigs? Right? In fact, I took it so lightly that I didn't remember to ship my equipment until the day before which meant I had to overnight my gear for a thousand dollars. So when the situation got all thousand dollar serious, I went into This Is Going To Work NOMATTERWHAT mode. No matter that the delivery was late.

No matter that I spent hours in my hotel room waiting for it. No matter that I couldn't get the brand new printer to work after 3 more hours of working on it. No matter if I had to decide we didn't need a printer. And no matter if New Orleans was trying to kill me. 

Searching for a costume shop five seconds before the earrings blew off my head.  

AND IT DIDN'T MATTER BECAUSE NOW THIS WAS SERIOUS AND IT WAS GOING TO WORK NOMATTERWHAAAAT.

Then I burst into tears. 

A few minutes later Karen called and said, "Do you want me to come get you?" And the idea sounded so lovely, I couldn't give in to my normal reflex which is to resist help at all costs. All I could say was, "Yes. Yes I do." And so she did. And it turns out that Jenny had been feeling the same way. And I felt better immediately after seeing them. 

Never underestimate the power of friends and a red wig. Also, how much does Karen look like Naomi Campbell here?

This is where you think the story's going to end all happy. But the real ending involves the wind promptly knocking over and murdering my light as soon as we got to the party. Yep. Turns out the photo booth was NOT going to happen NOMATTERWHAT.

And it was okay because there was so much awesome everywhere else. 

Laurie and I hosted a photo walk on Bourbon street. It was such a sweet group, and my earrings didn't blow off once. 

Cat and Mae

Linda and Sarah

Rachel

 There was so much more. So many amazing, accomplished, articulate, deep-thinking, hilarious women. It's kind of overwhelming to try to explain it all. And this is getting long so I'm going to wrap it up with my favorite shot from the weekend. Because it makes me think about laughing until 2 am, and it reminds me about how grateful I am to know her. 

One last thing (on a lighter note), if you haven't been to New Orleans, you should go even if just for the food. 

 and the bloody mary that comes with your morning coffee.