Weighty

Last year I flew to Paris to photograph Irene modeling our (then new) Paris bag. I also went to London, where I was lucky enough to meet Xanthe. Both are fellow Shutter Sisters. Both women bowled me over by their kindness. It was the trip of a life time and I never blogged about it. Then so many months passed that it felt ridiculous to write about the experience. 

But today after a lazy morning, I decided to edit through the old photos. Up until now, I thought ignoring them was due to a severe case of procrastination. Then I found these pictures of myself which caused me to unexpectedly burst into tears. I remembered everything that was going on inside my head when they were taken. I remembered how tangled up I felt because I was melancholy. And clouds are not supposed to follow you on dream trips to Europe. Which made me feel ungrateful and guilty, and confused. Because IWasInParis, IMustBeSoHappy. But I wasn't. And I couldn't articulate why. Until now with the passing of time, and after processing, I see that I was conflicted by an intense desire to experience everything around me, and an equally crippling instinct to recoil and hide. 

These were taken in the reflection of a window in Paris. When I look at my expression, I see a girl who is bracing herself. Dissecting everything with relentless criticism about how fat she was. And I realized today that the real reason I never blogged about this trip was because the overall thought of it just made me sad. 

I've never talked about my weight here, because it's controversial. I've gained 10 pounds since this was taken. But that's incidental because you might think I'm huge. (I actually had a friend use that term to describe me behind my "huge" back recently). Or maybe I'm your goal weight, and you're disgusted by the fact that I'm whining about it. Either way, this is not a statement about how one "should" or "should not" look. These are my personal thoughts about my personal weight issues.

And traveling has a way of amplifying them. Maybe because I'm meeting new people. Maybe because it's a definitive day on the calendar indicating that I've failed to become skinny again. I don't know why I've gained 40 pounds in 2 years. What I do know is that I've cried in more dressing rooms than I can count. I've watched my love for fashion dwindle into an army of empire-waisted uniforms. I've worn jeans and long sleeves in 90 degree weather. But that's all surface-y bullshit. The tragedy is that I've become a person who lives half-way. I stopped going to girls' nights. I say no to lunch dates. I won't go swimming, and will likely decline an invitation to your party. The slap-in-the-face moment today was when I realized I won't even fully enjoy something as enjoyable as a TRIP TO PARIS. 

With that being said, these pictures were a gift. Because the other thing I saw in my expression is a girl who just wants to be kinder to herself. I mean when did self hatred become some kind of badge of honor? "Oh, I'm so fat." "No I'm fatter." "Well at least you have straight teeth." "Yeah, but I my toes are crooked." How many times have we heard / been a part of this conversation? At the end of the day who CARES?! Seriously. I've never been immersed in a deep conversation with a friend while lamenting that her nose wasn't upturned. These lashings we give ourselves are stupid, pointless, and SO DESTRUCTIVE. Especially because the ONLY thing that EVER makes us feel better is KINDNESS. I think it's time to turn the kindness on ourselves. On my self. 

Phew, that was quite the soap box for a minute. :)

Tomorrow, I will just put up some pretty pictures from the trip. Because it wasn't all angsty, I swear. 

And also in the mean time, check out this crazy insane blog that Xanthe and Irene started: London vs. Paris. Having been fortunate enough to spend time with each of them, it's been so fun watching their lives mirror each other. Especially when they unknowingly photographed two clocks at the same time. 

Comments

[Joi]

Thank you for being so honest! Its unfortunate that most women will always find something about their appearance that burdens them and leads them to be the most unkind to themselves. I personally am on a weight loss journey now and I am taking the slow and steady road in hopes that when I reach my goal weight (which from the way you look is probably heavier then you'll ever be) that I can truly be kind to myself and celebrate. Its a journey though that's more mental than anything else :)

[Alex Evjen]

I REALLY appreciate your honesty. No matter what weight we are most women, DEFINITELY myself included, say horrible, negative things to themselves. I definitely have a BIG problem with that, and it's nice to know that I'm not alone.

[peggy]

Bonjour, Ok woman, this is the second time that you were here and I didn't get to meet up with you for a glass of wine!!!! I don't care what size you are, you are a beautiful, smart and very courageous woman, and let's not forget you take a mean picture and make amazing bags and all of those deserve a glass of wine in Paris. Lucky for you I will be here for another 3 years and I'm available for wine or coffee anytime of the day;-) Till soon.

[Xanthe]

Oh Maile, sweet Maileeeee, I only saw a gorgeous, fabulous funny woman, who inspired me so much, that day in London. Your words and smile are what I remember, I'm sorry you were struggling with a battle within. Yes, we all have to be kinder to ourselves. Our bodies change all the time, no one is ever as happy as they should be. I hope you find peace with how you feel. You are fabulous x.

[An Courtney]

It's taken me most of my life to come to terms with the fact that I have weight issues and large boobs. Then I did a photo shoot with me as the model with a professional photographer. His only comment, said in all honesty was: "they really are lovely" Whether he meant it or not ( I've since questioned him and he did) to hear it said made me think....I'm not so bad after all if some of the world sees me and thinks that - Enjoy, don't hide, forget "issues" be you and you'll enjoy life all the more! Oh and forget layer of black and long sleeves - rejoice in having a cleavage!

[Danielle]

Girl, you know how I feel about this, and you. I want you to feel happy with yourself and your body, because trust me - everyone you meet and everyone you know thinks only of your kindness, beauty, intelligence and strength.

You started a business. A wildly successful business that comes with a ton of stress, time consumption, and an inability to take care of oneself at every second of the day. Stress and lack of time play into weight gain, even if you're eating healthy all the time. You're also a dedicated parent and spouse. These are time consuming things that puts your focus squarely on other people most of the time. So basically? Try to be nicer to yourself, because you're accomplishing Herculean tasks daily.

May I also say a hearty "fuck you" to the friend who dared call you huge? And I mean in person. Like, I'm flying there to tell them "fuck you." And then getting on a plane and coming home.

[angie {the arthur clan}]

It made me sad to read the things you think about yourself and then I realized that I do the same thing about myself. You are such a kind, generous, loving, talented person and have so many friends that love you. It's lovely to read that you want to be kinder to yourself and you've inspired me to do the same!

[Catherine V]

Thank you for this very relevant post!

[Savvy in San Francisco]

Mai - This is so honest and true and speaks to SO many people including myself! You are such a beautiful and amazing woman and I am so proud to call you my friend! Love - Melissa

[Jen]

As I said in a tweet earlier this morning, I think you climbed into my head and wrote out my thoughts. Truly, I got every word of this, down to the look you're giving yourself in the window reflection. When I met my husband 8.5 years ago I'd starved myself down to an abnormally thin frame through nearly two depressing years of life. Then I fell in love. Then I (and he) ate my way through eight months of bliss to our wedding. I went up two sizes and thought I was enormous. I stayed about there for three years. Then we both changed jobs to miserable ones. Then I got pregnant and lost the baby. Gained pregnancy weight, weight from miserable job, and weight after miscarriage. It was three more sizes. Then we built a new home, found two new (lovely) jobs, got pregnant, had a lovely baby, yet the weight remains. I've dropped a size since Jack came along, but hang onto the reminder of the emotional journey of the past eight years like saddle bags. I will willingly hold on to two of the pants sizes, as they're my "normal", but three of them have got. To. Go. Weight gained through sadness, despair, hoplessness, is never happy weight. And even though my today is happy, my body says otherwise. If I could only find the magic cure to help me fight through this. Thank you for putting it all into perspective for me. I'm fine with the wrinkles time grants me, but sometimes I need to allow myself to be okay with it all. Then take the best care of myself, no matter how I look in the end.

And besides...I can always, always, always buy pretty shoes!

[ma']

I finally self-diagnosed. My "before" picture was one-eighty. My "after" picture was two-hundo.
My conclusion: Diet Dyslexia.

Love you.

(PS - and all your tender hearted friends)

[Lorena M.]

Wow Maile, for a minute there I had to double check you were not talking about me. I totally understand exactly how you are feeling. I've also gone on vacations with my little ones and will refuse to come out in any photo because of my weight. I've cancelled fun stuff because I feel like oh I'm gonna look horrible. I hardly ever go to the beach even though it's only 10 minutes away from home. I will definitely try harder to not be so self critical of myself.

Congratulations on how well your Epiphanie bags line is doing. I'm still trying to narrow done which one to buy, I'm between Ginger and Belle. Even though my husband said, "If you buy one more purse..." LOL although my argument will be it's a camera purse, my other purses are not.

[Mocha]

May I just cosign everything that Danielle said? And may I add that I love your words and your strength and yes, even your beauty? Because all that stuff you just wrote is wrapped in a wonderfully talented and wildly loved woman.

[vivienne]

I read this post yesterday and have been thinking of you.

I so resonate with this post and with your experience.

We do need to turn that kindness on ourselves. I look at those two powerful images of you. I have some of those myself that are in the middle of the journey of being a woman with rockin' curvature and the ebb and flow of letting that consume me or letting myself fall in love with who i am, just as i am.

I am so glad you revisited those images and shared this with us.
I see the pure gorgeousness of a woman who is living truly in the ebb and flow of her life.
Thank you for sharing this with us Maile.

[Stacey Isetta]

Maile - you are not alone. You are beautiful inside and out - and you inspire me with your words and pictures and the way you live your life. Over the last year or two I often find strength in thoughts of your successes and begin to build and achieve my own. You are silently a powerful inspiration to many, never doubt your ability and kindness.

[jen]

maile.... we are all too hard on our selves... i just recently wrote a whole post about feeling inadequate .... you are beautiful and are amazingly talented! I only wish I could be half as successful as you have become. I also just watched eat pray love and realized... enjoying life is sometimes such a hard thing to do... but soooo important!
J

[Laurie]

This is all I could think about when I was in New Orleans and then again when I saw the pictures from New Orleans -- about myself.

I don't know why we do this to ourselves, I really don't. It's so destructive and sad and robs us of so much good stuff in the moment. I will try for kindness if you will. :)

[Irene]

I didn't tell you this at the time, but I almost cancelled our photo shoot that day. not because of the weather but because I had a major case of acne burst and I felt like I was 14 all over again, overwhelmingly self-conscious and embarrassed.

but seeing myself through your eyes was an experience I will always remember and cherish. every time you pointed your camera at me I felt cared for, safe and loved. that's the gift you gave to me and that I carry with me till this day. my only wish is that you get to see yourself through your own kind, warm and loving eyes. because then you will see how truly beautiful you are my friend.

[ma']

Irene's words are a taste of life's truest paycheck.
To quote her: "every time you pointed your camera at me
I felt cared for, safe and loved. that's the gift you gave to me..."

[dawnfh]

I dont know what to say. all i can say is you have said so well, what i feel daily. and even on days when i do feel good, i have to listen to all these skinny (i mean size 4 or 6) people complain about how they look. It's so hard to feel good about yourself when the rest of the world just wants to lose more and more weight. you have more honesty, integrity and hope in your right hand (the one that holds the camera) than all those other girls. And i think the only thing huge about you is your heart. and hopefully your HUGE ability to hold a grudge and make that hateful female poop in pants in fright that she has pissed you off. dont you remember at our lunch, where i looked at you spontaneously and said, "you are so pretty!" Instead of trying to lose weight, try instead to gain what the rest of us see when we look at you....someone amazing.