remembering and re-creating

These were taken a million years ago. The left is me and the right is Amber, one of my life-long best friends. Not because we talk all the time, because we don't. Because we owned a business together, which made our friendship seem more like a marriage or a sisterhood. When we started, neither one of us even owned a computer. We'd stay up all night at Kinkos just teaching ourselves how to use Word so we could make a price list. I remember the first batch having misspelled "proffessionally". As a client pointed out, "there's only one 'F'". Oh. Of all the words to misspell. There were so many hurdles and lessons and late nights. I had plans and sketches, and she knew how to jump into things. Like the first time we ever attempted an "OUTDOOR SHOOT" during a real session. I was so terrified of "NATURAL! LIGHT!", I would have broken my back practicing on seventeen thousand friends first. Amber just put them on our books and assumed we'd figure it out. We did. And I stood there with my reflector being so grateful for her confident way of ignoring fear. 

But I can barely remember the business stuff. What I mostly remember is playing and laughing every day until we were crying. The studio was in a little town called Sebastopol. You could walk to the post office and the coffee shop. We knew all the business owners and had turned some of them into caricatures. They were like characters in a crazy play. Like the translucent son of our mean landlord who had X-ray vision eyes. We named him "Amphibian" because he was always sweating, and somehow... pulsing. 

Then there was the man who owned the tanning salon. We were convinced that he'd placed hidden cameras in each bed, based on the solid evidence of his too-tight wranglers that offered up way too much information about him. That's when I learned about "moose-knuckles". And if you don't know what that is, trust me... you're better off.

I remember our cars. The one I bought for $700. You had to turn the key in the ignition and press this rigged-up button that was connected to exposed wires, then cross your heart and say a prayer to get it to start. She drove a rusty brady bunch station wagon. And yes we did have our clients follow us to photo shoots as we laughed hysterically with our bare feet on the dashboard. We had nothing, and we were so happy. After shoots we'd lay in the grass, stare at the clouds and talk about everything from makeup to marital issues. When we didn't have a client, we'd drive home to eat entire trays of brownies and watch HGTV. Our favorite was Christopher Lowell. And if you've ever watched him you'll understand why after a couple months we both had palm trees with "up-lights" smashed into every corner of our houses. 

The point of this post is that since Amber posted this photo on Facebook a couple days ago, I've been ignited by a feeling of home sickness. Not for California or for the beach, but for the girl who could just play and pose like a complete dork in the sunset. I miss the girl whose business was an afterthought to her life. Because as the years have progressed, and the mountains of responsibility have piled up, I realize that I've let my life become an afterthought to my business. And as I look at this picture, I realize that even my body has become buried underneath the cares. 

For as long as I can remember my mom has picked a Word to define each new year. I know that Ali Edwards does too. And I love this exercise of insight, of taking a moment to review your life. What's working? What's not? How can we make our lives match up more closely to our truest values? For me, this photograph has helped me to make that definition. But like Kal, I can't pick just one word. These are my words for 2010. 

Receive. I've become a person who is habitually scanning for what's missing. As a result, I've been missing out on what I already have. Like my children and the simple abundance of watching them play in the backyard or laugh at the dinner table. I need to learn how to be present without constantly thinking about what's not getting done, or what could be better. I must be grateful enough to receive the blessings that are already right in front of me.

Re-create. I don't mean that I'll be kicking it in Mexico all year. Although that would be nice, I know that my work will always be a large part of my sense of self, and I love that. But I need to re-create how I go about my work. I need stricter hours and guidelines... like checking my email once a day, and not at all on the weekends. I need more defined boundaries so that it's clear where my work ends, and where I begin.

Remember. The girl I used to be before the world sat on my shoulders. I realize that I'll never be that free of responsibility again and that's the rightful nature of things. But I know there's a way to incorporate her back into my life. The girl who dances on the beach and stares at the clouds. I left her behind, and I desperately need to make room for her again.

Do you have any new year words? 

Comments

[Sue]

My word is ORDER. I told my hubby that this year I choose the word order ..and he asked ... "what am I going to order" LOL
Gotta love that man!!!

[daily relish]

Sue, that was my mom's word this year too, so cool! I just had the best conversation with her the other day, and she told me the root of the word...it's a really cool word. And such a great one to define a year too. Thanks for commenting.

[marissa moss]

hummm one word to define the year. that´s a good idea.
i´m traveling right now and have been keeping a notebook of all the things i want to do next year and all the people i want to be. it´s filled with hundreds of words... far more things than i could every actually do in 2010.
so one word is a good idea for me. i´ll need to think on this.

[kim]

I got chill bumps reading your post! There is just so much truth to everything you said, and I especially like "Remember" and what you wrote about that.

[misti]

I think that is so funny about your natural light shoot! I'm completely the opposite...I'm terrified of flash! I can use the one on my camera but I don't know anything about off camera flash!

[Joi]

I'm giving you a virtual "hug." Good for you!

[Maya Laurent]

"I realize that I've let my life become an afterthought to my business." Wow, that just hit me hard too. Thank you, needed that!

[Ma']

"Extraordinary ordinariness." That was the first feather that floated onto my eyelashes. Then upon contemplation, I whittled it down to its essence, "Divine Order".

The Hebraic root for the word "Order" is inspired. It comes with the sense of something standing firm; deeply established. Immovable. Firm. Being prepared; completed. Enduring.

Order is Love at its best, really. Love completely convinced of itSelf. Standing against all odds, resolute in the knowledge of its own intrepid goodness. You said it best "her confident way of ignoring fear". That is quintessential 'Order'.

Maile, this post is beyond excellent. It is brilliant. Glorious. All that you put your hand to prospers. First you open our hearts with your vulnerable humility. Then you disarm us with laughter. Then you move us with truth.

But "moose-knuckles"... I can't imagine.

[haley]

I laughed out lough and got all teary ready your post. Maybe I am being a super emotional girly girl right now and need to get some sleep, but your post really hit close to home. Like you, I and am so thankful for being able to do what I love as my job- but cannot continue to let it turn me into a fast food eating /zombie woman/ workaholic who would be a fantastic candidate for "what not to wear" on almost any given day ....and I do not even have kids! Here's to 2010 and doing it our way!! xo

[Karine]

Mine is Create as explained there: http://karineardault.typepad.com/karine_ardault/2010/01/my-2010-little-word-create.html.
Create:

more balance into life and work
more health
more business plan
more writing
more photographs
more surprises
more focus
more happy life
more knowledge
more ideas….

[Judy]

I loved your humility, humor, honesty, and wonderful wisdom. Maile, you are doing what He intended.....using your gifts.....and teasing out all the things that stand in the way of fully appreciatiing your wonderful life. My word for 2010 is balance, which comes from the core of our being.....getting out of my head and into my heart. Happy 2010!

[geri]

My word: Purposed Establishment. I believe this is the year that God is going to establish His purposes in my life. I realized that up until now, I have spun my wheels in the sand trying to establish my own purposes...to validate or accomplish...or whatever...the point being that I am surrendered (totally) to His rule, His reign, His establishment of His purposes and plans......whoa....2010....Here we go...!

[Stephanie]

My word is GRATITUDE. Gratitude towards my wonderful family and friends and showing it outwardly. Gratitude that no matter how the day goes, all my children are basically healthy, we have a roof over our heads, and our pantry is always full. Gratitude for the time we have together before my husband deploys yet again, and gratitude that the past 4 years have been very normal.

[Rochelle]

I read your words and felt like I was sitting there with you and Amber at Cameo! I laughed and cried. And I miss you more than ever- My words...gratitude for the small moments...those are the ones that matter most. Love you

[Nancy]

Yes, a virtual hug is much needed here.

My word or theme for the year is GIVING, to give more back without wanting the useless "stuff" that clutters my life. I wrote about it on my blog and feel that making it public will inspire me to keep my word.

Thank you for sharing, what a beautiful friendship and story you tell. ;)

[tz]

before the world sat on my shoulders - too true

when did that happen?

how did that happen?

[Christina]

Reading your post today made me smile! It totally reminded me of the friendship that my best friend and I use to have. Sad thing is that we are no longer friends :( We use to make up names for people all the time based on silly things about them there were a few times that secrect name came out by accident and we would just start laughing until we cried. I miss that girl! Oh and the part about "moose-knuckle" I about peed my pants! Thank you for sharing and reminding me of the things that are truly important :)

[patti]

Oh my gosh... Christopher Lowell. I didn't have palm trees, but fake ficus trees in E V E R Y corner of every room with a wonderful floor uplight. Thanks for the laugh. My word for 2010 is JOY!