Slippery Slope.

Jason INSISTS on buying Halloween candy early, but totally disregards the RULE that you are only supposed to buy the crap you DON'T want to eat! Like, dum dum pops and tootsie rolls (gross!)...and jolly RONCHers. NOT Reeses cups and Snickers and OF ALL THINGS, NEVER EVER should you early-purchase the ALMOND JOY. I've eaten them ALL people. As in, NO ALMOND JOYS FOR YOU Trick-or-Treater! And it was bad toward the end, watching me DIG through the bowl, like a junkie in a trash can. If this goes on, there's no telling what might happen. I might become so big that I'm bed-ridden with an oxygen tank at my side. Richard Simmons and his striped panty-shorts will have to come over and convince me that life is worth living. He'll have to wipe tears off my cheek as they rip down my bedroom wall, so the towing company can load me onto their flat bed. Then I'll have to be on Dr. Phil in my bed gown (via satellite because I can't fit on a plane), while he tells me that I need to take responsibility for my life. And I'll say, "But I can't because Jason early-purchased the Almond Joys." At which point the whole audience will gasp in understanding, and chime in unison, "That's RIGHT DR. PHIL! What was she supposed to DO?!!" And then Dr. Phil will see the light. And even he will know that I had no other choice, under such sabotoging circumstances. And he will apologize to me, and then yell at Jason for putting me in this situation.

Comments

[Tasha]

You are SOOOOO funny! I totally avoided the almond joy bag at walmart when I was buying candy today because I knew I would do exactly the same thing.

[tz]

get a grip choc-o-holic! Just made another batch of cabbage soup today - come on over,it goes GREAT with beer/wine. Any beer/wine.

[Great Dane Addict]

Let me know when that episode is on. I'm so going to TIVO it.

[Jennifer A.]

You and Almond Joys have the same relationship that me and Three Muskateers do. And, what a lustful relationship it is.

[daily relish]

Tina, don't try to act like you eating soup with that wine.

[cathy]

classic. That is completely classic. I'm still laughing.
My weakness...refridgerated canned frosting. I can't handle it. It calls me. I can eat it with a huge spoon til my teeth hurt from all the sugar. But I can start again after I have a cup of milk. :)

[Mama]

That so reminds me of my greeting card idea.
On the front cover is a woman about 20 lbs overweight,
and under the image reads "BEFORE".
Then you open the card and there's a picture of the same woman
now 75 lbs overweight, and under the image reads "AFTER".
Then under that is the comment "I think I'm suffering from DIET DYSLEXIA."
The very back of the card reads THE SLIM-SLOW DIET PLAN.

[tz]

Brillant - Mama

[Susan N]

exactly why there is NO candy in our house..b/c I would have eaten it all by now! -- with Danny's help! Ya know how some people say "they have a sweet tooth,"--yeah, well, I say.."I have sweet teeth!" - a whole mouth full! :-)

[Kal]

Almond joy is to my what apple pie smell is to Annie.
Gross.

[robyn]

OMG! Truer words have NEVER been said,unless they were said about Reese's pb cups!

[k]

How can anyone not enjoy the almond JOY?!! The coconut, the chocolate, the 2 almonds? It's like a meal in itself! MMMMM....

[Maya]

I wait till the day of Halloween to purchase our candy. It has all just gone so wrong when it's in our home before!

[Paul]

Wow...I can't get that image of Richard Simmons out of my mind. Do I have a problem. p.s. I'll trade you my Almond Joys for Nestle Crunches...

[Jen Heffel]

Ahhh, Milky Ways are gone in my house! I feel so guilty. I think all the baby ate yesterday was Milky Ways. Way to nourish my growing baby, eh? With the boys, they were both born in October, BUT before Halloween. I didn't feel guilty AT ALL!

[Misha Pisha]

Ok, I admit it, I bought the big bag of candy at Costco and have been telling my kids they can't have it until Halloween. But somehow all the peanut M&M's are gone. I was that junkie yesterday digging past all the Almond Joys trying to find my M&M's. Had to finally settle on a Snickers!

And T I did not see or smell any Cabbage Soup Monday night. What are you going to eat on Thursday?

Happy Halloween!

[Rochelle]

Maile!! You are too much!! I'm still wiping away the tears. What I love about your blog is that I can picture you standing there, telling me the story. You are so real and true.

[Concerned Reader]

I've always found your blog to be very positive and enjoyable, until now. This posting is very offensive. Obesity is a huge problem in this country and not something to be joked about. Would you make a similar joke about alcoholics? If you have ever watched a loved one suffer from morbid obesity, you would never joke about it. You would realize there are serious, underlying problems responsible for it, like depression, etc...

[tz]

Concerned Reader - You have got to be kidding! To begin the process of dealing with some of the serious things in life can begin with laughing at it. And this IS a light hearted and enjoyable blog, thanks for bringing it down. Some people enjoy coming here to escape from the serious things in life.

1joke
Function: noun
Pronunciation: 'jOk
Etymology: Latin jocus; perhaps akin to Old High German gehan to say, Sanskrit yAcati he asks
1 a : something said or done to provoke laughter ; especially : a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist b (1) : the humorous or ridiculous element in something (2) : an instance of jesting : KIDDING

[tz]

Sorry Maile.